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Veggie Tales

Tonight I ate at a vegan restaurant with the vegans (Pretty Kitty, Mr. Pretty Kitty, and Mark) and Kathryn (like me, along for the vegan ride).

Vegans tend to be very picky eaters, even within the scope of their mandated dietary restrictions. For instance, Paul doesn’t like tomatoes, mushrooms, or eggplants, and Mark doesn’t like…vegetables in general. (?!)

After reading a list of specials straight out of American Psycho, the waitress asked if we had any questions. Despite our utter lack of comprehension, none of us did. We had several minutes of juvenile fun pronouncing “seitan” like “Satan.”

Then, just as the vegans were lamenting the lack, in the world, of a decent pizza-grade meltable soy-based cheese substitute, we were interrupted by a fellow diner.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” she said, “But I really recommend ‘Slice’ — the new vegan pizza place on 2nd Ave. Their cheese…melts…exactly like…cow cheese. (Pause.) The only thing is, you do have to be careful about their crusts. Some of their crusts contain honey.”

With a lead on the best soy cheese substitute in the city, we thanked her profusely and watched her leave. When she was gone, we immediately turned on the vegans. “You can’t eat honey?!” we shrieked, “Because of the bees???

“I eat honey,” said Paul. “I say…fuck the bees.”

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