Bought one of those newfangled body fat measuring scales in hopes that I’d be able to prove that, dense as I am, at least all the running/push ups/weight training/stair climbing/rowing/kicking/core training/weight lifting has paid off, and I am merely gaining muscle mass. Sadly, it seems that I am actually THIRTY PERCENT PURE LARD and about to die of a heart attack any second. But I think maybe I’ll just kill myself first, if only because of all the years I have apparently completely wasted. And then I guess I’ll swallow my pride and join Weight Watchers. Excuse me while I go slit my wrists.

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