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Archive for April, 2008

Take Your Child to Work Day: Part 2

April 25, 2008 Leave a comment

Coworker’s babysitting mom: Do you have children?

Me: Hahaha no.

Coworker’s babysitting mom: Ugh – they’re a lot of work!

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April 24, 2008 56 comments

I guess it’s Take Your Child to Work Day. I have no children. And yet there are several of them under my desk, where they have been hiding, sitting on my feet, and requesting origami bunnies, bats, ducks, bears, flowers, swans, and cobras.

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They say you should swallow blood before your pride…*

April 23, 2008 84 comments

*And by “they,” I mean this one guy I know (and even then, it’s a secondhand quote). So, I forgot my sports bra today, and I figure, “Hey, run a mile, then take an hour of kickboxing followed by an abs class in my typical Wednesday fashion…no problem, right?”

WRONG.

Yeah, you don’t need to be a marathon runner to get blood all over your shirt.** Hopefully, my chafed and bleeding boobs will heal up enough for Jump Rope Friday. Tomorrow, maybe I’ll just get drunk.

**You might be thinking, “Hey, idiot, just step out of class.” But if martial arts teaches you nothing else, it is this: Yes, there IS shame in stepping out to get water or puke or apply antiseptic ointment to your nipples. Anyone who tells you differently is A) lying to keep your business, and B) most definitely mocking you when your back is turned.

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Visionary

April 23, 2008 Leave a comment

I wonder if my new eyeglasses will be ready this week.

I wonder if they will cause nauseating headaches like the last ones did. These frames are looser, and yes, I went for the square frames, because, apparently, no other styles even exist anymore.

Every five years or so, I purchase a new pair of glasses, inflicting seasickness and migraines on myself for a week before giving up and returning to my habit of blocking oxygen from my corneas 18 hours a day. For half a grand, you’d hope a pair of spectacles wouldn’t make you absolutely want to die every time you wore them. But show me a New Yorker who isn’t a masochist, and I’ll show you a transplant from Texas.

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April 21, 2008 Leave a comment

Finished reading “Then We Came to the End” by Joshua Ferris. Quite moving, but then, I am a corporate drone. Still haven’t managed to read any short stories. Have started reading “Free Food for Millionaires.”

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Maybe I’m afraid of non-committment?

April 20, 2008 112 comments

I find it extremely difficult to read short stories, and I don’t know why. I routinely read novels, the occasional novella, entire memoirs constructed of essays and vignettes, and tracts and tracts of non-fiction. But the short stories from The New Yorker that my father so thoughtfully photocopies and leaves for me are invariably (and guiltily) thrown in the trash.

I can even read long, horribly written trade paperbacks (the unabridged version of The Stand runs roughly ten billion pages long), but I cannot force myself to read elegant gems such as those included in “Lucky Girls” or “Twilight of the Superheroes.”

What gives? A single 7-page story by Jeannette Winterson is surely more satisfying than “The Infected” by Scott Sigler (which, by the way, you call that an ending???). And yet I’ll invest the extra time reading Sigler over Winterson, all the while chafing at his clunky prose.

I need the opposite of Adderall.

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Discretionary Income

April 20, 2008 112 comments

If you had extra money, would you prefer to pay for liposuction or to get your eggs frozen so that your potential future offspring weren’t guaranteed to be autistic? Hmm.

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