Breathe

Yesterday, a giant steel girder fell from the sky like an omen from the construction site across the street. I heard the impact. There were no casualties. Construction workers scurried off with the offending structure, like ants.

In South Africa, they are running out of grave space and are interring new bodies on top of old bones. The AIDS epidemic is advanced enough in some places that in a few years, there will be a noticeable absence of women.

Personal Trainer Man says that I tend to hold tension, and that I should breathe, release. I don’t know about this. I would like more drugs. I’m going back on the Pill on Sunday; we’ll see if that helps. Funny, the first time I went on birth control pills, I spent my nights listening for blood clots lodging in my limbs. It’s rare but not unheard of for girls to have strokes… I wonder if Carmen ever recovered from hers? She was only a few months older than me, and then – bam – she comatose, or brain dead.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to be breathing, right?

Breathe

Yesterday, a giant steel girder fell from the sky like an omen from the construction site across the street. I heard the impact. There were no casualties. Construction workers scurried off with the offending structure, like ants.

In South Africa, they are running out of grave space and are interring new bodies on top of old bones. The AIDS epidemic is advanced enough in some places that in a few years, there will be a noticeable absence of women.

Personal Trainer Man says that I tend to hold tension, and that I should breathe, release. I don’t know about this. I would like more drugs. I’m going back on the Pill on Sunday; we’ll see if that helps. Funny, the first time I went on birth control pills, I spent my nights listening for blood clots lodging in my limbs. It’s rare but not unheard of for girls to have strokes… I wonder if Carmen ever recovered from hers? She was only a few months older than me, and then – bam – she comatose, or brain dead.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to be breathing, right?

It wasn’t a scar. It was raised like a bruise. But it looked like a flower.

J & L visited from Australia, unborn child and all, for MN & E’s wedding. Emma looked happy, for the brief moment that I saw her. Keith visited from Ecuador for unrelated reasons. And Matt’s back too, possibly for good. It’s good to see all of these people, at least for me. Maybe this will help me develop some spirit, or failing that, at least some backbone.

Funny how half your friends are happy to see each other, and the other half immediately want to draw blood, or at least throw a damaging blow to the face. Please don’t make me choose sides. I can nod and smile forever, but I feel so two-faced and fractured already. Yes, I know I should suck it up and acknowledge my responsibility to disown half of you (which half?), but I’m so close always to just leaving. It gets easier and easier to imagine my life without any of you. I’m sorry, but it’s true.

John asked me about 4 times which school I was attending. From this, I guess I can gather that he doesn’t trust me at all, or else is very, very forgetful after a few beers. Even still, I cried on his shirt forever. Couldn’t stop. All the martial arts angst I just can’t seem to shake lately. I’m so pathetic. Bemused as he must have been, he did what any decent man should have done and hugged me while I cried. He said that I shouldn’t give up, and that the one thing I definitely shouldn’t do is leave. I do trust his judgement more than most.

So I guess I’ll write another check…

Come to think of it, Paul was reminding me the other day of that time two years ago when everyone was breaking apart, and I got drunk and was violently ill and cried a lot because everyone was leaving us on such bad terms. Paul says it’s one of his favorite memories for what it demonstrates. It is so embarrassing that anyone even remembers that.

I’m a fucking mess, aren’t I?

Phat

Apparently, I can eat a lot more than my coworker Steve and his roommate Craig, as I was able to finish a whole cheeseburger at McHale’s after Peter’s going-away party, and they were only able to finish about a half apiece.

I shouldn’t be proud of this. Really, I should be quite ashamed. But I’m smirking inwardly.

Progress!

All right, because I am incredibly LAME, I have been watching “I Love the 90’s” on VH1. Yes, it’s imperative to feel nostalgia for a decade that ended FOUR YEARS AGO,

In the 90s, Kurt Cobain killed himself a few weeks after one of my best friends had a miscarriage and tried to commit suicide. Now Cobain is still dead, Courtney Love is performing marriages when she’s not in jail, and my suicidal friend has become my Mary Kay rep. Go figure.

Adopt-a-Cactus

A-ha! We have named Kam’s cactii! “Fluffy” is the fuzzy one. “Ichi the Killer” is the prickly one. I wanted to name them “Pamela Anderson” and “Tommy Lee,” but nooo…

Kactus krazy!

My cube-mate Kam has brought in two fuzzy little cactii, which now reside on the radiator by our window. They are each smaller than my thumb. It’s almost as if he were trying to make himself at home, or something. Perhaps we should name them, as pets.

Kactus krazy!

My cube-mate Kam has brought in two fuzzy little cactii, which now reside on the radiator by our window. They are each smaller than my thumb. It’s almost as if he were trying to make himself at home, or something. Perhaps we should name them, as pets.

Update:
A-ha! We have named Kam’s cactii! “Fluffy” is the fuzzy one. “Ichi the Killer” is the prickly one. I wanted to name them “Pamela Anderson” and “Tommy Lee,” but nooo…

Blast from the past

Loaned my “Invader Zim” DVD to Taylor. In return, he loaned me the Czech surrealist movie “Little Otik.” I am suitably disturbed. He would have loaned me “Meet the Feebles,” but I’ve already seen it.

In the middle of telling him that, I suddenly remembered that the time I saw “Meet the Feebles,” I was getting nailed by a guy named Randy. Maybe I didn’t finish watching it. Certainly, I don’t recall how it ended. When you think of it, what kind of guy watches that movie when he’s having sex with a girl? Oh, wait. Most of the guys I know. But I actually had known about that movie before, because it was made back in the days when I used to read “Fangoria” and kept up with such things.

Movies/TV Shows I’ve Watched Before, During, or Just After Sex

Ren & Stimpy
Wallace & Grommit
Starship Troopers
South Park
Meet the Feebles
Digimon
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask