This is a (terrible) work of fiction

“Alchemy”

Lithium,

the lightest known metal,

made of me a moon creature

unearthly and lustrous

with her soft white light

mercury tracing the lifelines

I knew

there were other worlds,

that like Persephone I could fall through earth,

and land

where the light wouldn’t burn

Or

ascend angelic, bones glowing,

radiant, into lucidity

You touch me; the mercury rises

The poisoned blood jumps, riddled with silver fish

And I fall

And I rise

Looking upward, I see myself

Limbs set in points of light

Pulsing, expanding, and slowly

Slowly

spinning away

Idle mind, melancholia

Noting my inability to relax and embrace the melatonin supplement mellow, an acupuncturist friend of mine suggested that I might be more depressed than anxious. Well, I certainly don’t feel anxious. I also certainly don’t feel particularly motivated about life.

Rhetorical question #1: How much of this is situational, and how much is just me?

I do not feel particularly sad, and I do indulge in small pleasures (reading books, eating curries, listening to nerdist.com podcasts – woo!). That said, I tend toward apathy and an incapacity to feel joy or love. And really, nothing seems to touch that. L-tyrosine, a bit. Fish oil, occasionally. And while some turn to religion, I have no such faith. And unfortunately, you can’t force faith.

Rhetorical question #2: Am I truly so different from everyone else?

I have a history of trichotillomania and nail-biting, so perhaps dumping more serotonin derivatives into my brainpan (d’oh! inaccurate pun!) is the last thing I should be doing. Being not especially motivated and not especially smart, I’m thinking that perhaps it’s my dopamine circuits that are, as the scientists say, “wonky.”

Dopamine seems to be involved in the pleasure-anticipation-reward pathways. How do we define pleasure, anticipation, and reward? They are three distinct situations/states, but there could be some overlap.

And how closely related are the states of anticipation and hope?

A brief culinary interlude: Coconut Plantains

Hey all! This is the fast and loose “recipe” every paleo/primal/evolutionary whatever, etc. follower has discovered independently when faced with plantains. I’m just setting it down here so I know I can find it later.

You can substitute bananas for plantains. Green, unripe bananas would probably have a nutritional profile closer to that of plantains, but there’s no need to limit yourself. Go bananas.

I profusely apologize for that last joke.

Coconut Plantains

Serves: However many people feel full after eating it. I usually manage to eat half a plantain as a savory side dish, but I’m perfectly capable of eating the other half as dessert.

Cook time: A bunch of minutes, or so

Ingredients:

• 1 plantain
• 2 tsp coconut oil
• At least 1/4 a cup of coconut milk (or, as much as you like)
• Pinch of salt
• Flavoring of your choice (vanilla for a dessert or a sweet snack, but curry or whatever you like for a savory side dish)

Method:

• Heat the coconut oil in a pan over medium heat
• Peel and chop the plantain (I usually slice it in half lengthwise, then chop those into short chunks)
• When the oil is hot and liquid in the pan, add the plantain chunks so they cover the bottom of the pan and do not overlay one another. After about a minute, start stirring them lackadaisically with a wooden spoon so they cook evenly on all sides.
• In a few minutes, the plantains will begin to turn a deep golden color. When they are golden on all sides, add the coconut milk, salt, and flavoring of your choice and lower (or turn off) the heat.
• Continue to stir until the coconut-plantain mixture reaches the consistency you like (more time for a stickier, less liquid consistency, less time for a soupier texture)
• Enjoy hot or cold.