As a consumer, I’m a compulsive purchaser of both cosmetics and iPods, arguably the most useless of all consumer goods, ever.

I buy my shoes at Payless, though. That’s something.

I mean, how would YOU make accounting data exciting?

I’m starting to believe that PowerPoint is just the Quark Xpress of Microsoft Office. Not that I really know my way around Illustrator, but god…

…I JUST WANT TO THROW A 2-PIXEL YELLOW STROKE AROUND MY FREAKIN’ TEXT, STRETCH THE WHOLE THING OUT FROM THE CORNERS, TRANSFORM IT ALL TO PATHS, MOVE IT WHERE I WANT AGAINST A SEMI-TRANSPARENT PATTERNED BACKGROUND, AND FLING AN ATTENTION-GRABBING BUSTY CHICK ON THE PAGE FOR GOOD MEASURE.

Also, what is with these lame fonts?

DAMN YOU, POWERPOINT!

Meanwhile…

My father seems to have bought Darth Vader’s Crock-Pot. It’s larger and more imposing than a normal Crock-Pot, black as pitch, and its evil mechanical outside conceals a tender pulled pork interior. COINCIDENCE?

Dystopian Futures

Curiously, although I loved Orwell’s 1984, I never got around to reading Huxley’s Brave New World. Thanks for noticing, Amazon.com, you proto-AI-stalker, you. But what you don’t know is that sometimes I search for random things, just to throw you off.

Now leave me alone, you’re creeping me out.

Once a Year Day

Once a year I buy and cook a block of tofu, just to reconfirm that I don’t like it. It’s marinating as I type.